Banana Scoop

It’s just a week for movie reviews isn’t it?  There was a lot of talk from Michael Bay about his follow-up to his multimillion dollar Transformers franchise.  There was talk about how even he himself thought the second one was absolutely horrible – all ranging from the acting to the story.  He claimed he would fix a lot of these mistakes in his third and final chapter of the Transformers series, including the incomprehensible story and the fact that too many people kept dying and coming back to life.  Despite these atrocious elements that made watching the second one unbearable, it still provided itself as a means to fill the destruction and sci-fi chaos that my inner 10 year old occasionally required.  I figured Dark of the Moon would be similar.  So even though I knew itwas going to be a trip from hell, I watched it anyways.

Sam Witwicky is back and he’s in a new generically relatable fashion: he can’t find a job.  Even in the presence of his new girlfriend (newcomer model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), he gets tangled up in a mess of Autobot vs. Decepticon, but this time by choice.  In the second movie he wanted nothing to do with it and in this one he seems to be bored with life after crazy battles in the desert.  Anywho, that’s pretty much the gist of the movie summary.  I could talk about pillars, Primes, and Patrick Dempsey, but I would just start confusing you with nonsensical mumbo jumbo, which most of this movie’s dialogue is.

So I suppose I should start with the redeeming and decent aspects of this movie.  As expected from Michael Bay, the film itself is a technological achievement.  I’ve never quite seen or understood how to incorporate CGI in ways this movie accomplished.  Whether it be the collapse of that building or even just filming a set piece with imaginary robots and the actors are supposed to understand where they are with the only reference to them be a large green screen.   And as I stated earlier, the most I ever expect out of these movies is the satisfaction of seeing a 10 year old’s wet dream.  The action sequences are incredibly shot and you can’t deny the relative awesome ness of two robots fighting with large guns.  But unfortunately that gets old after 10 minutes.

A Technological Achievement Indeed

Now we get to the everything else.  That includes: acting, story, and length.  We’ll start with the acting.  I was thoroughly surprised at the star power included in this cast.  Immediately recognizable is Leonard Nimoy’s voice as Sentinal Prime, but we also have [as added from the first and second] Frances McDormand, John Malkovich, Patrick Dempsey, Alan Tudyk, and Ken Jeong.  My god, that is a super powered supporting cast.  It’s a shame these acting vets couldn’t take over the film’s presumed leads: LaBeof, Huntingington-Whiteley, and John Turturro.  The only new characters worth redeeming is Patrick Dempsey’s semi-convincing villain and Alan Tudyk’s generically Scottish and ambiguously gay character.

It’s more than a shame that these characters are passed over for their robot co-stars.  And we aren’t even talking about Optimus Prime yet, I was referring to LaBeouf and Huntington-Whiteley.  LaBeouf’s Witwicky has changed from likable protagonist in the first film to a whining child and Megan Fox’s replacement contributes nothing more more than something to look at.  These two serve as little purpose in the grand scheme of things and as their function as the bridge between relatability has all but diminished.   Even with its strong supporting cast, it’s unfortunate that their talent is squandered over a poor script with poor character development and little purpose.  John Malkovich could have been any other actor and the story would’ve been EXACTLY the same.  I suppose everyone needs a paycheck every once in a while.

How Absurd

Length and story go hand in hand.  Let me remind everyone this movie is over 2 and a half hours long.  It was at several points in the movie that I sighed and looked at how much time was left.  Movies that are longer than two hours are only acceptable if the story is engagable and watchable.  Transformers Dark of the Moon is neither of these.  The story gets old after about an hour and after you’ve seen one robot fight, you’ve seen them all.  And while Michael Bay tries hard to keep the out-of-place charm and humor present in the first installment, there isn’t enough to make Dark of the Moon any more watchable.  The story itself is ludicrous and filled with plot holes and you take nothing from it.  It’s unfortunate that the ending of this franchise couldn’t give us any closure or sense of fulfillment like most trilogies do.  This is classic “Michael Bay films a bunch of action scenes and makes a story out of them later”.  The last hour is senseless fighting leading to an anticlimactic moment where the franchise’s most beloved villain Megatron gets 5 seconds of fame, only to have Optimus rip his head in half immediately after.  What a waste of a villain.

Do you know why this is the picture of Megatron I used? Because he was in the movie for 5 minutes and there were no better screens. Way to do a memorable franchise villain justice...

There isn’t enough space on this website for me to keep going on and on about why this movie blows.  I’m ashamed to say that it does improve itself on the second movie in terms of having a more comprehensive plot than the last, but it’s squandered with its absurd length and redundant sequences.  Thankfully this franchise is over for good.

1/5 Stars

Live Long and Prosper. NOT.